June 26, 2007

The Answers!

Category: Entertainment — Cranky @

How much wood could a woodchuck chuck, if a woodchuck could chuck wood? That depends on the density of the wood. Balsa wood? Plenty. Oak? Not nearly so much. We don’t have enough information to answer this question.

What shall we do with the drunken sailor? Well… sea voyages can be long, and certain stresses accumulate. Do what is best for the crew. Just remember that “no means no”, so make sure he’s liquored up enough that he won’t be able to say no.

How many roads must a man walk down, before you call him a man? A real man drives a car. Walking is for losers and broke people. And broke losers.

Can God make a mountain so big that he himself cannot lift it? Yes. But then he becomes super-God. Former regular God couldn’t lift the mountain, but super-God certainly can.

Which came first, the chicken or the egg? Well, that depends which one was stimulated first.

Why did the chicken cross the road? Clearly he thought it was possessed.

If a tree falls in the forest, and nobody is around to hear it, does it make a sound? Well, it’s impossible to say. So I’ll say yes.

What is the meaning of Life? Ask Hasbro. They made the damn game.


June 21, 2007

What Are You Thinking?

Category: Social — Cranky @

I often wonder what it would be like to briefly inhabit the mind of somebody else. When it comes to the fundamental behaviours that allow a society to operate, nearly all of us share a common baseline. For instance, in North American society relatively few of us will ever commit a murder. But once you move past the basics, we spread out dramatically. Each of us develops a unique outlook as we grow, and we are very different.

Some people value family above all else, while others are more solitary in their lives. Some value religion and spirit, others find their comfort in logic and science, and still others mix and match as necessary. Some people are quick to anger, some are not. Some, when angered, turn violent, while others prefer a more orderly revenge. Some even turn the other cheek. Some steal, some do not. Most lie, a tiny few do not.

We have different capabilities, too. Some are forward thinking, some are happy-go-lucky. Some are bright, some are average, and some are below the curve. Some work well in social networks, some do not. Some are strong workers, some are lazy. Some are curious, some aren’t.

If I could be dropped into the mind of somebody else, sensing their capabilities and their tendencies, yet evaluating them from my own baseline, I wonder, what would I find? If the mind was more intelligent than my own, would it be like turning up the lights on the world? Would cause and effect seem continuously clearer? How many aspects of my thoughts would be different? If I were dropped into the seething cauldron of a violent mind, would I see the reasons for my anger, and subsequently justify it? Were I to enter a pious mind, how would I view the life I lead today? And would remnants of the experience cause me to change my ways?

A mind only has a limited ability to self-assess. There is no such thing as an objective view of your own mind – it is a subjective view by its very definition. It is your perspective. You view the world through a lifetime of filters, and you cannot completely set them aside, no matter how hard you try. We can ask others about ourselves, and try to gain some objectivity that way, but their responses are subjective, too. Nobody lacks bias.

I’d like to know, first hand, how other people think. At the moment I can only guess. And sometimes I just don’t understand.


June 11, 2007

Evil's Afoot

Category: Entertainment — Cranky @

We trust our home to be a safe haven. Most of us take that safety for granted, and until recently I did too. But now I’m becoming quite concerned about my personal safety. You see, every single night, while I sleep, I’m being visited by people with malicious goals.

It’s an organized group, with strong technical resources. For instance, I know without a doubt that they have access to highly efficient coma-inducing gasses that are so refined as to leave no telltale signatures behind. Were it not for the uninterruptible slumber that is induced, I would not know that I had been drugged.

I know that I must be drugged because they aren’t bothering with anything in my apartment. They are specifically concerned with me. You see, they’ve managed to make the knock out gas so cheap that it’s practically free. And every night when they drug me they come in and remove just a few hairs from my forehead.

For a while I was puzzled as to the motives behind their efforts, but then their scheme became clear to me, and I applaud its elegance. You see, they work for the wig cartels. By only taking a few hairs a day, they effectively have a nearly unlimited supply of hairs for their products. Those who are unaware of their activities might foolishly attribute the missing hair to age-induced balding, but the cognoscenti will know the truth.

I wonder if baldness is real at all. Perhaps what we take for a natural process is simply the relentless nightly visitation of these wig builders. And perhaps the conspiracy goes further! Ah, it’s clear now. It’s not only wig manufacturers who are complicit. The group also receives covert funding from the Rogaine and Propecia folks!

Now I have to decide what to do about it. Perhaps it is time for a retaliatory strike!