October 31, 2007

Give Me an Excuse to Buy Your Piece of Crap Movie!

Category: Entertainment — Cranky @

An Open Letter to Movie Studios, from Cranky Weasel

This year I made the leap into high definition. I bought the 50″ 1080p television, forked over the cash for a Blu-Ray player in the form of a Sony PS3, and now I’m in movie mode, big time.

I love movies. I also love to buy movies. I had stopped buying DVD’s because I knew the format was old and weak, but now I’ve again become a collector. Each week brings a new set of releases which I comb through, looking for those that are worth the money.

With the new format, I’m practically begging to give away my hard-earned cash. Right now I might buy a movie I wouldn’t even have rented before, just because I’m still enamoured with the beautiful picture and sound of high definition. It’s your golden opportunity! I’ll buy movies because they are shiny and make cool sounds.

The problem is that you think I’m a moron. I might be spend-happy, but I’m not an idiot. Don’t try to sell me a terrible horror movie like “The Reaping”, which got a lovely rating of 7% over 125 different reviews, for $30. Don’t slap the same price on “The Invisible”, another special-effects-laden crap-fest which scored 20% (still abysmal), and expect me to pony up the cash.

I’d undoubtedly momentarily lose my mind and buy these on a whim if they were priced around $15. You would get a couple of dollars of my money, or whatever your profit margin is, and I’d get one more for my collection. Everybody wins! You’d probably sell boatloads of them to early technology adopters like me.

When your crappy movie bombs in the theatres, and you price the thing at $34 in the store, you have to know they’ll sit on the shelves gathering dust. What kind of thinking puts a $35 price on a copy of “The Covenant”, a movie so crappy that it failed on every level?

Yeah, an old one-speed banana-seat bike is, technically, a bicycle. You don’t price it like a competition cycle just because the same word describes both.

Price that piece of crap for the bargain bin. I’ll be there.


October 22, 2007

I Just Plain Don't Like… Those People. You Know Who I Mean.

Category: General — Cranky @

You know, it’s pretty hard to find somebody less racist than me. I don’t look down on any particular group, although the intentionally stupid get on my nerves. Pretty much all of the wrongs done to me in my life have been done by caucasians, of which I am one.

Thinking about it, though, there are so many racists in the world that I can’t help but think there must be something, well, just terrific about being narrow-minded and intolerant. So I’ve decided to join their ranks!

But who to hate? I have too many friends from too many nationalities for this to be an easy decision. After due consideration, though, I’ve decided on the country that shall bear the brunt of my hatred!


Look at it, sitting down there in South America. “Oh, look at me! I’m only the second least corrupt nation on my continent! I’ve got a temperate climate and gentle landscapes!” Pricks. Bunch of idiots, too, with their 97.7 percent literacy rate. That’s fully 75,900 illiterate Uru… Uru… Uruguanians? Uruguyans? What a stupid name for a country.

Crappy GDP, too, at $11,969 per capita. Combine that with an unbelievable 9.7% unemployment rate, and it’s clear they’re slackers of the highest order.

They’re the 125th highest emitter of carbon dioxide in the world. They’ll never industrialize themselves to acceptable levels unless they start cranking out those emissions. That’s not temperature increase due to climate change, that’s the slow boil of success! They don’t even use enough electricity to be taken seriously – they rank 88th in the world.

This motley collection of primarily European descendants has the nerve to market many of their products as “natural”, I don’t know how they’re going to get reasonable yields on their cattle and wine without steroids and insecticides. But then Uru… Uru… those people aren’t known for being especially smart (or so I assume).

Some people might say that I’m not being racist, since it’s not technically a race that I am targeting, but I’d like to think a country also qualifies. So I’ve got my eye on you, Uruguay. I’m one step away from starting a campaign of newsletters and subtle discrimination. You’d better make sure that none of your citizens move next door to me!

Cranky (now 10% racist!)


October 9, 2007

The Unpleasant Implications of Gas

Category: Entertainment — Cranky @

“It began with an act of supreme violence — a big bang expanding ever outward, cosmos born of matter and gas, matter and gas ten billion years ago… We burn like fires in our time only to be extinguished. To surrender to the elements’ eternal reclaim. Matter and gas… ” – Dana Scully

This weekend I saw an episode of the X-Files called “Biogenesis”. It first aired in 1998 and is available on DVD. The show as a whole had it’s ups and downs. Sometimes it was great, and sometimes it wasn’t. The same can be said for any long-running drama.

The episode itself was okay. What bothered me, though, was this nonsense of “matter and gas”. It is presented several times in a dramatic voice-over that is sandwiched right between philosophy and science. As usual, though, nobody pointed out the obvious.

Any science student in junior high should be able to tell Chris Carter, creator of the X-Files, that gas is composed of matter.

Matter exists in four states: solid, liquid, gas, and plasma. Hydrogen gas is composed of hydrogen atoms. Dividing up the early state of the universe into “matter and gas” makes no sense at all. The writers should have instantly recognized the stupidity of the implication – that something cannot be both matter and gas.

It amazes me that something like this gets into a major TV series. 1998 was not the dawn of science, and the concept under examination was not some arcane tidbit. The error made it out of the ignorant mind of the writer, got through the approvals and rewrites that happen to all scripts, sneaked by the editors, and was stamped with approval by the director. Then Gillian Anderson had to perform the dialog, and the sound editors had to capture and process it. Either nobody noticed, or nobody said a word.

When the premise of your drama is presented as science, you should make sure you have a primitive understanding of the subject. At the very least, run it by your teenager.