November 30, 2008

I Just Need $5000 To Pay The Legal Fees And Then We Can Split The Million. Really.

Category: Entertainment — Cranky @

If you want to be a scam artist, you need to train. You need to be able to look a senior citizen right in the eye and lie to them without letting a single tic betray your dishonesty. You need to rake in the hard-earned cash of naive, young people by pushing them into unhappy, dishonest situations. You need to feel good about pressuring people into doing exactly what you want them to do.

In short, you need to be just like a good poker player.

Poker is the Liar’s University. If you can’t lie, and lie effectively, you can’t be good at poker. If you are too nice a guy to trick somebody into paying off your unbeatable hand, you can’t possibly be a scam artist. If your hands shake when you turn a full house, you just can’t make a fraudulent living. If you pull the punches at the table you’ll never be a grifter.

Poker is about refining the most devious of human traits. It’s all about knowing when your opponents are weak, when they’re on to you, and how to take advantage of any slip-up. It’s about steely-eyed dishonesty, and relentless exploitation.

Plus, it’s fun.

Cranky

November 29, 2008

"We Promise To Not Lose Up To 70% Of Your Packages!"

Category: Life — Cranky @

This past Friday I received a little card in the mail. It was from the post office, and it was marked, “Final Notification – Your package will be held until November 27”.

Now, I check my mail every single day. There were no “non-final” notifications, and this one didn’t arrive until Friday. I walked down to the post office, and presented the card. I was told, “This package has already been returned to sender. You were supposed to pick it up yesterday.”

I said, “But this is the only notification I received, and it arrived today.” Halfway through the sentence the clerk had already started to write down Canada Post’s number for me. He didn’t want to hear about it, and he wasn’t going to pretend otherwise. It occurred to me that blaming this guy was pointless – he’s nobody. I have more clout with Canada Post than he does, and I don’t actually have any.

I would love to say I’m surprised at what happened, but I’m not. Over the past four years I’ve received about 40 international packages. I’ve had stuff shipped to me from Japan, Australia, Russia, Mexico, a bunch of countries in the United Kingdom, and, of course, the United States. I’ve had packages sent via FedEx, Purolator, UPS, and the major postal services in those countries.

I’ve had a total of seven problem packages. Three went missing completely and had to be shipped again. Four were substantially delayed, owing to being lost and then found again.

All seven problems occurred within the responsibility lines of Canada Post. No other service has failed for me. My favorite was when my new laser arrived all the way from Japan, and then was sent all the way back with an inexplicable “Addressee not at destination” note. We shipped it in exactly the same way and the second time it arrived.

I even caught my postal carrier in the process of stealing a package of mine. I waited patiently in the lobby while the carrier sorted the mail, even though I saw the box with my address on it. She finished up, put the box back in her bag, and began to leave. I stopped her and said, “That’s mine”. She handed it over. I called Canada Post and explained what had happened. It dropped into the abyss that is their complaints department, and I never heard another word about it. The carrier was still delivering mail there when I moved.

Canada Post sucks. That is all.

Cranky

November 24, 2008

Seven Reasons Why You Shouldn't Worry About The Economy

Category: Economy — Cranky @

1. Cash and stocks burn extremely well, and winter’s a-comin’.

2. Prostitution and bootleg liquor production do well during economic downturns. So, if you have a bath tub or an available orifice, you’ll be fine.

3. Having high levels of carbon dioxide in the atmosphere promotes plant growth, so you can expect huge, healthy vegetables in your personal garden.

4. The banks, the investment firms, and the mutual fund companies are completely devoted to what is best for you. They’ll only make money if you make way more money, since they’re upright and honest.

5. If you lose your job you can always get a bunch of credit cards to tide you over until things improve.

6. The 60″ plasma television you bought with no payments until December throws off enough heat to make your living room comfortable in the middle of winter.

7. Beautiful women get jobs that are recession proof, including beer tub girl, trophy wife, “model-slash-actress”, etc.. All women have inner beauty, if the support groups are correct, so by the transitive relation all women have recession-proof jobs.

So don’t worry about the economy.

Cranky